Brother let me be your shelter; I’ll never leave you all alone. I can be the one you call when you’re low.

So it’s been five months. More than that, actually. And I’ve admittedly been quite distracted. The problem with keeping a blog–as I’ve probably mentioned before–is that I struggle to write without inspiration; in other words, blog posts appear sporadically and only when I feel I need to write or else I’ll burst from unexpressed thoughts.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing, or that I’ve been expressing every thought that’s crossed my mind from April until today. Instead it’s more like I got distracted by life and didn’t allow myself the downtime to contemplate. But now I’m back in New York and real life is about to start again and tomorrow at 7:30 in the AM I’ll be welcoming first years to my awesome university (#NYUWelcomeWeek) while I contemplate what it means to be a senior. Basically it means that adult life is going to begin much sooner than anticipated and I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. Hence graduate school.

But being a senior also means availability as a mentor to those incoming students who are just as lost and alone as I was during my first semester in the Big Apple. This path isn’t for everyone, of course, since mentoring requires actual interpersonal skills that some people just don’t have. Thankfully my ISTJ-ness doesn’t extend that far. And I’m all about paying it forward anyway.

I’m not talking about “Oh, I was nominated to pour a bucket of ice water over myself and donate money to a worthy cause so I’m going to post a video of it on Facebook and tag other people” kind of paying it forward. I’m talking someone smiles at you, then you smile back and go on to smile at the next person you see. Or someone buys your coffee? You pay for the next person’s laundry at the laundromat because the Lord knows that making clothes clean gets mad expensive after awhile.

Or someone takes the time and effort to get to know you and connect with you and learn about your ambitions and continue to maintain that relationship even after he has graduated? You do the same for someone else. It’s nice to have someone who thinks you’re special and who values you. It’s even nicer to have someone like that with whom you aren’t romantically involved.

There is someone in my life who is that person to me. So I want to be that person to someone else. For example’s sake, he’s the Diana to my Anne and I want to be the Diana to another person’s Anne. Because yes, it is possible to both have a friend and be one. What often happens is that the person you call a best friend might not call you that in return; I wouldn’t say that he and I are best friends, but I know I can come to him with anything and that he’ll be there for me regardless. And that’s rare.

The fact that he knows the same about me and values me the same way I value him? That’s just icing on the cake. So here’s to you, Black Bear. I hope you realize what an impact you’ve made on my life and know that you’re stuck with me now cause you’re the older brother this Red Panda never had.

**Title: “Brother” by NEEDTOBREATHE**

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill. Fifteen percent concentrated power of will. Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain. And a hundred percent reason to remember the name.

You sneak a surreptitious glance at your watch and realize that you’ve already been in this interview for half an hour. That’s a good thing, right? When your eyes leave your watch to reconnect with the interviewer’s, she gives a practiced smile and says “One last question.”

You hold your breath and hope she’s not going to ask what your self-defined strengths and weaknesses are because everyone knows that’s a loaded question. Instead she asks “What three words would you use to describe yourself?”

First reaction: Why is it always three? Why can’t it be five words for describing yourself? Why not one?

Second reaction: Oh, no. What am I going to say? This is almost as bad as the strengths and weaknesses question.

Third reaction: Just go with responsible. That’s always a good one. Maybe creative too–what kind of job is this again? Okay good; that’s two. For the last one…

You tap your lip as you think but pull it away and clasp your hands together on your lap when you realize she’ll probably perceive the gesture as a manifestation of nerves. Or worse, as your tell (creative might be a stretch but you really are responsible…in your own way…that’s not a lie, right?).

Suddenly, it comes to you; the perfect answer has been there all along–literally.

You tell her your name.

——————————————————————————————————–

Who would you be without your name? Who would I be without mine?

When I was a kid my parents would describe a person to me and I would usually be able to come up with a name. I was right too, most of the time at least. I guess names are just something I’ve always been good at remembering; it’s a side effect of the many moves.

Tangentially, I’ve now lived in more countries than my mother. Quite a feat, I know.

That minor digression aside, I really do believe that a person’s name is an important aspect of his or her identity, even though said name is generally not self-appointed. This is why your name can be used as a clever addition to the above three word self-description exercise.

Anything can be argued as long as the argument’s support is valid and logical, even if the argument itself is not. Apply this thinking to the interview situation and what do you get? A job.

Actually, don’t quote me on that. Seriously, please don’t. My point is that everyone has a name but it’s the meaning you attribute to it that makes your name important. Here, I’ll give you an example.

My name means “safe harbor.” Does that make me one? Not necessarily.

I was named after one of my parents’ favorite places. Does that make me their favorite? I wish.

My middle name is arbitrary. Does that mean I am too? Of course not.

So in what way can my name be used to define me? When people ask my mom about the artist of the pieces she hangs in her office, they aren’t told to look for a Concordia graduate or an NYU student. They’re given my name.

When someone wants to know who they should look for if they’re interested in the on-campus Bible study, they aren’t told to find a girl in skirts with River Song hair the color of On Golden Pond. They’re given my name.

When my sisters are asked about their jie-jie who’s off at university, they don’t say they miss the instigator or 1/3 of the whole. They say they miss me; and they say my name.

That’s what I mean when I say your name can define you. Your actions and your words, your accomplishments and your mistakes, everything about you that makes up who you are is encompassed in your name. If your name is mentioned there are pictures and memories of you that inevitably appear, even if you aren’t physically present.

In a way, yes this is a never-ending cycle. You are your name because it’s the first thing you’re given after birth, and then you live your life and your actions are attributed to your name. So you are who you are. Basically.

And your name is who you are too. Less basic, but still true.

Response time! I’ve never before actively asked for responses to these because it never occurred to me that people might be interested enough in my rambled musings to actually comment on them. That changes now. What do you think comes to mind when people think your name?

**Title: “Remember the Name (Clean Version)” by Fort Minor**

Don’t have a care in the world; I’ll let tomorrow worry about its self…I’m gonna make today mine.

Sometimes all you need is a little push to reset your motivation and get you moving again. And when I say you, I mean me. Obviously. As usually happens, I expected this semester to be an academic breeze and grossly under calculated how busy I’d be. So when I finally get some time off, what do I do with it? Wallow happily (Is that possible? Can wallowing be positive?) in my aloneness, catch up on hours and hours of missed sleep, and watch Castle to my heart’s content.

Oh! And Korean dramas. Yeah… I watch those now; it’s a problem.

Imagine being absolutely addicted to green Jolly Ranchers, not because they are the best (which they are–let’s be honest), but because you didn’t even know that Jolly Ranchers came in other flavors. And then Jolly Ranchers pulls a Hostess Cakes and decides the world no longer needs green apple flavored candy deliciousness. You’re devastated, but in a way this is a good thing because maybe then your teeth won’t end up rotting out from an over consumption of processed sugar. And then you discover it: Jolly Ranchers don’t only come in green, but you might as well just call them Skittles cause you can basically taste the rainbow (Seriously though, does anyone actually like blue raspberry? I mean, really?).

And that’s what my discovery of Korean dramas was like. Delicious, but probably not beneficial to my health. So yes, I have the time. The ability and/or self-restraint to spend it wisely? Not so much.

In short, that detour aside, I’ve been busy. To top it all off I’ve been excessively stressing about life post-study abroad when I return to New York for my senior year and then a following second year of grad school. And that’s the main idea of today: If you have to worry, focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I recently had the opportunity to dine with an NYU professor who imparted the following story as a little bit of wisdom on this subject: Person A is talking to Person B and says “Where am I?” Person B responds and says “Oh! You’re here.” This answer distresses Person A; “I wanted to be over there,” is his reply as he points to a place far away from his current location. It takes him awhile, but Person A eventually ends up where he originally planned and there meets Person C. “Where am I?” he asks his new companion, eager to share that he’s finally made it to where he’s always wanted to be. Person C responds and says “Oh! You’re here.” And the cycle continues, eternally; as long as Person A worried about getting “there,” he couldn’t fully appreciate being “here.”

Worrying about my plans for the summer, my family’s decision about moving, the renewing of New York friendships upon my return, or my excessive busyness come next year when I attempt to write a 40-60 page senior thesis might seem like immediate issues. As such, it makes sense to be concerned about my future. I can’t really rationalize concern about being perpetually single or whether or not I’ll be able to have kids, yet I tend to worry about these things too.

But I’m in ITALY. I’m so not a proponent of YOLO, but I’ve definitely noticed that I struggle to fully embrace what could be a very amazing current life because I’m stressing about my future one. It’s funny too since I expend so much energy on these worries, but midterms are this week and I’m not really all that concerned about them. Probably should work on getting my priorities in order.

Which is why I’ll sign off now: I’m in class and society dictates that paying actual attention is important when attending university. I’m on the fence, but since I’m blessed to have parents who provide for me and take care of my school bills, guess I’ll leave first. (In case you’re wondering, that’s a Korean-ism I picked up–dramas are basically educational.)

**Title: “Sunshine” by Tigerweather**